Tragedy in Motherhood: Virginia Pauley's Story

She called him her Viking King. He responded, “Yes, my queen.” Then the life they were planning together was cut short by a tragic accident. Virginia Pauley still remembers the moment the Sheriff’s Department delivered the news that her husband had died. Three weeks later, she gave birth to their second son.

His obituary described a 27-year-old family man, who grew up in Lolo and Missoula and worked as an electrical apprentice. He had a distinctive red beard and despite his affinity for vikings, he ardently supported the Green Bay Packers.

Pauley was nominated for our Mother’s Day giveaway, and when her name was drawn I was reminded of all the ways the demands of motherhood ask unremarkable things of us — the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and the clothes folding, and the grocery store trips, and the routine, and the ennui. And then other times the challenges of motherhood seem remarkably insurmountable. Raising a toddler and a newborn as a grieving widow seems to embody both.

”My faith was a part of what kept me going but to be completely honest a part of me also really hated God during that time,” Pauley said. “Especially when so many people kept saying things like ‘God just needed another angel.’”

She described feeling the greatest darkness she would ever know. “Our living son and unborn son where the other factors that kept me going. Vance would and will always be with me because of our boys.”

She named their newborn son Abraham (Bram). Pauley, William (2), and Bram moved to the country and settled into a long, slow nurturing, growth, and healing. She started a meal prep business and hosted casual parties for her friends at her home. The door was always open. And then a couple years later, she reconnected with an old coworker, Ryan, and rediscovered love. The couple welcomed twin girls — Mia and Zoe — this past December.

For other mothers who need some encouragement, Virginia has these words: "It's the hardest, most rewarding thing you'll ever do.”

”You will get angry, you will yell, you will laugh and you will cry. You will spend nights wondering if you are doing anything right. Don't be hard on yourself. Say ‘I love you’ often, give hugs (even when you're hugged out) and tell them they make you proud. Always follow with love.”