Reflections: Healing from Childhood Trauma as a Parent

Trigger warning: This post contains brief mention of childhood sexual assault. If you or someone you know is healing from sexual assault, please call the YWCA Missoula’s 24-hour crisis hotline at (406) 543-1944 or visit their website: ywcaofmissoula.org/services/domestic-violence

I believe Dr. Ford,” I wrote on Facebook.

I wasn’t getting political. It was the fall of 2018 and one of the first times I’d opened up publicly about the sexual assault I endured as a child about thirty years ago. Something happened in the summer of 2018. I had no idea what happened would aggressively trigger the darkest secret I had.  This secret that I kept from everyone was a thief, it stole my innocence, at times my happiness, and my identity. A few weeks after this triggering, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony, alleging Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh assaulted her at a party was EVERYWHERE I looked. All of a sudden, people’s hurtful and harsh criticizing opinions dissecting whether Dr. Ford’s testimony could be true felt all too much like they were directed at me.  I couldn’t get away from my secret no matter how I tried. The timing of this all came together to create the perfect storm.

The PTSD had gotten so bad I didn’t know if I could get back to me.  I couldn’t even remember what it was like not to wake up without a feeling of anxiety in my chest or what it was like getting through the day without having panic attacks.  This was my new normal, and I hated it. I just wanted to be me again.

I finally realized all the emotions, the crying, and the anxiety was coming from somewhere and even though I didn’t fully understand what was happening, I knew that the box that was chained up in the depths of my mind had been opened. I felt like I had to leave and get away from everyone. I know how crazy it looked. How could a wife, a stay-at-home mom of three young children leave to go camping by herself?  As my husband packed up the car with camping stuff for me he asked, “I just need to know if you are coming back?” That is when I realized how bad the anxiety, flashbacks and all the uncontrollable tears had gotten. I also realized in that moment how much I LOVED my husband. I told him, “I promise I’m coming back. I’ll call you when I get to wherever I’m going.” I knew I had to battle for myself, for my husband, and for my kids.

It was Labor Day weekend.  I found myself at a remote Montana lake and decided to camp. I was in a place with no phone or internet access.  It was just me, my notebook, and pen in nature. I could not get enough of the solitude and how with every deep breath I knew it was going to be okay. I wrote and I cried from somewhere deep inside the whole time.  Even if I didn’t completely know and understand, I knew I was going to be ok. This demon I learned to hide was no longer something I was afraid of. This demon made me stronger, it made me resilient, it made me brave.  It was something so ugly but it was something that made me beautiful.

I decided to take control. I started painting again. I would stay up late at night and sing when no one was around from a place I didn't know existed. I learned to use a tapping technique to control anxiety. I wrote. I talked to myself as a little girl and told her she didn't deserve what happened to her. I prayed to God to help guide and heal me. I started doing what I needed instead of what others think. I said “no” to trying to do too much. I got through it. You will too. There were many times I felt so alone like nobody understood. But God is so loving.

I’m not 100 percent, but through counseling, CBD oil and self-care I am better.  I’m learning more about myself than ever before. And that if something this traumatic happens again I am better equipped to handle it. Sometimes as parents we get so busy that we forget to make time for ourselves.

Sometimes we think that you just can’t do that. We make up these weird rules for ourselves that flat out make it harder on ourselves for no reason. In order to be the best parents, the best version of ourselves we have to make time for ourselves. Being a parent we have so many responsibilities and the most important one is our responsibility to ourselves to heal and to grow.