Breaking Up Is Hard To Do, Part II: Tips for your Parenting Plan Case
A Lawyer’s Tips for Protecting Children When Separating or Divorcing
Nearly all of us have heard about how damaging separation and divorce can be for the children of parents going through it, but there are things that can be done to minimize harm. Today we invite Missoula attorney Janel F. Chin of Peaks and Valleys legal services to offer some suggestions for those facing separation or divorce. Janel’s first post is here.
Establish a business-like tone in communications. When communicating with your co-parent try and keep the focus on the “business” of your child(ren)’s well-being. Just like in business dealings, speaking slowly in a relaxed, respectful and polite tone can be surprisingly helpful in bridging differences in opinion or outlook.
Stay Focused On Your Child(ren)’s ‘Best Interests.’
The law of every state requires that divorce decrees are in accordance with best interests of any child(ren) the couple had. Not to mention, you ethically owe it to your child(ren) to minimize negative impacts from your separation or divorce.
A cooperative co-parenting relationship helps child(ren) feel secure and confident in the love of both parents which will in turn allow smoother adjustment to new living situations etc.
When children see their separated or divorced parents work together, effective and peaceful problem solving is being role modeled for them.
Reassure your child(ren) that they are more important than the conflicts that ended your relationship with their other parent and that your love for them will last through the changes that separation and divorce bring to most families.
Accept the importance of your co-parent to your child(ren)’s health and wellbeing. Research suggests that the quality of relationship between co-parents can strongly influence the well-being of their children. A high quality co-parenting relationship may reduce the incidence of anxiety, depression and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in their child(ren).
While ideally both parents will play an active role in their children’s daily lives, factors such as living more than twenty miles apart, substance abuse problems and/or domestic violence often lead to limitations in parenting time. While child(ren) must be protected from neglect due to substance abuse, exposure to domestic violence or spending too much time traveling between homes, there is not one right answer for all families, your families’ unique challenges should be carefully considered before a final parenting schedule is adopted.
If you are a parent who does not have regular contact with your child(ren) remember to call, email, text or video chat and send mail to your child. Ask questions, even if your child(ren) are not receptive attempting regular contact communicates that your child(ren) are important to you. If your co-parent or others are interfering with your ability to have a positive relationship with your child(ren) be sure to advocate (in court if necessary) for yourself.
Choose Your Battles. By relaxing about minor things your co-parent might do that you do not love it will set a tone of being flexible with each other for the times that you may do something they do not love. For instance, if you are concerned about your ex-partner’s parenting abilities, consider lending them support versus using their failing’s as a weapon in child custody proceedings. For the reasons explained in my earlier post, it is important that both parents have quality relationships with their child(ren) if at all possible and by focusing on the areas of disagreement most important to your child(ren)’s wellbeing you can improve your child(ren)’s relationships with both you and your co-parent.
Enlist the Help of Witnesses. If you find yourself facing Court proceedings that you feel may unfairly present your parenting abilities, think about individuals who may be willing to write declarations or testify on your behalf. It should be people who can provide first-hand accounts of positive aspects of your parenting relationship with your child(ren).
Use the Tools Available. If you struggle to communicate well with your co-parent it can be helpful to use an on-line software program like OurFamilyWizard.com. It offers tools like joint calendars, expense logs, and common document storage for things like a child(ren)’s immunization record or school calendar, and a message board that keeps an accurate and non-modifiable record of your communications that can be admitted in court.
Make Sure Your Parenting Plan Is Comprehensive. Be firm about what is important to your child and make sure those areas are addressed specifically in your Parenting Plan, as this will allow you to later seek Court enforcement if your co-parent does not comply.
Consider the ages and personalities of your child(ren) when coming up with a schedule for parenting time as well as you and your co-parents’ schedules.
If you or your co-parents career and/or social commitments will sometimes not allow you to spend time with your child(ren) during your parenting time consider including a ‘right of first refusal’ where the other parent is first asked to provide child care before a co-parent looks elsewhere for childcare.
If possible, transitions from one parent to the other should happen afterschool or child(ren) should be brought to the other parent so that feelings of being “taken” from the current parent exercising parenting time is avoided.
Having basic items (toothbrushes, clothing, etc.) at both homes so that essential items do not have to be packed, transported and unpacked every time the child(ren) transition is ideal.
Think about family values and traditions and what differences are appropriate between routine parenting time and holiday and/or vacation parenting time. For instance, most parents alternate major holidays, both have time during the child(ren)’s birthdays and each spend Father’s and Mother’s day respectively with their child(ren).
In addition to day-to-day decision making think about how medical and daycare/educational decisions should be handled. Both parents have a right to be involved in decision making and it can be helpful to have a game plan for how non-emergency decisions will be made.
Is/are your child(ren) involved in academic and extra-curricular activities that require a commitment on the part of your and/or your co-parent? Think about a parenting time schedule that is conducive to supporting your child(ren)’s involvement in positive activities that they enjoy.
Sometimes as child(ren) grow older, the parenting time schedule that is in their best interests changes as well. Include instructions for how modifications should be handled.
Compromising on child or medical support hurts your child(ren) who are entitled to receive adequate support. Polite and persistent advocacy is often necessary to secure the needed financial support from a co-parent.
Include a plan for how the desire of one parent to relocate will be handled. If you or your co-parent moves away, how will that impact your child(ren)’s schedule and who will pay for any resulting travel expenses?
Include a description of how any future parenting disputes will be resolved.
Establish Basic Rules. While it is healthy for children to be exposed to different perspectives and learn to be flexible, if both co-parents adhere to a basic set of expectations, parenting time is likely to go more smoothly for both. Many co-parents find that providing assistance and consistency with regards to following is helpful: mealtimes, homework and bedtimes. Co-parents should also try and agree about off-limit behaviors and activities and commit to similar systems of consequences for broken rules. If an infraction occurs, both co-parents should follow-through with agreed upon consequences even if the infraction did not occur during their parenting time. For instance, if a child lost screen-time privileges during the end of their time with your ex, follow through with restricting screen time. The same can apply to rewarding good behavior as well.
