A Partridge in a Pear Tree and Other Random Stuff My Kids Want for Christmas
Photo courtesy of Unsplash.
Earlier today I was laughing at a post by my favorite internet stranger, Jen Hatmaker, wherein she described her daughter’s 106-item Christmas list. Hatmaker asked her daughter to narrow it down, so she starred her favorites — almost all of them. Among the requests? A septum piercing and a flight to Brazil. Reasonable.
I read it with awe and jealousy. At least her child put things that actually exist on her list. For as long as my children have understood Christmas, they have crafted presents in their heads, certain Santa could fulfill their inventions. I try to tell them if Amazon doesn’t have it, Santa’s workshop probably doesn’t either, but they don’t believe me. Santa can fulfill ANY request if you just believe.
There was the year my son was five, and his teacher pulled me aside during the class Christmas party and said, “Asher is telling everyone he’s getting a ‘letter shooting dart board’ for Christmas. What is that?”
“I have no idea.”
When we got home, I suggested that he at least present Santa with a prototype. Or maybe a drawing? He just looked at me and said, “Santa will know.”
My husband and I puzzled about this in the days leading up to Christmas. We finally ran out the clock, so we ran to Target on Christmas Eve and picked up a magnetic chalkboard with alphabet letters and a Nerf gun and hoped for the best. He could shoot the letters off with the Nerf gun, we reasoned.
Would he hate his gift? We were surprised when he was happy and claimed to love it.
Whew!
My daughter is like this too. One year she wanted to be Rainbow Batman for Halloween. They don’t sell that costume at Spirit Halloween because Rainbow Batman IS NOT A THING THAT EXISTS. I tried to talk her out of it but she was undeterred. Thankfully, my sister-in-law swooped in to save the day with a costume she created: rainbow tights, rainbow skirt, rainbow cape, and rainbow batman emblem sewn on a purple shirt. Cora looked like Rainbow Batman but my sister-in-law was the true superhero that day.
Cora’s Christmas lists are also difficult, but not impossible. This year, she wants a My Little Pony Izzy Moonbow. We’ve searched and searched, but there are no Izzy Moonbows left to buy in Missoula, perhaps there aren’t even any left in the known universe.
I breathed a sigh of relief to read my son’s current Christmas list: An RC airplane, a safe (I have questions…), a metal detector (possibly related to the safe), and smoke pellets. Smoke pellets are something he saw in a TV show about magicians. The show’s characters throw them on the ground, making smoke to make it easier to escape from enemies. Smoke pellets aren’t real, but that’s okay. It wouldn’t feel like Christmas without at least one zany, impossible request.
At the last minute, he added an item no one saw coming: A bidet.
Y - E - P.
He used one for the first time at his great uncle’s house over Thanksgiving and was fascinated. A toilet gadget that keeps you from having to wipe your own butt? SOLD. He had so many questions, like why is he just now hearing about this and why don’t Americans use these more.
His new quest in life to make bidets more mainstream.
He even wrote some ad copy for his campaign. “Are you tired of wiping your butt? I was too, but the bidet changed my life! Buy a bidet today!”
It’s clunky but it has potential. Look out, Don Draper.
I needed consolation, so we asked our readers: What is the funniest thing your kid has asked for for Christmas?
Here’s some answers:
A volcano, which we did make happen actually. —Amanda E.
My oldest wanted Parmesan for Christmas when he was 10. That was it… oodles of Kraft Parmesan. — Annelise H.
My daughter just said “a present.” Easy enough. — Meghan H.
My 4 yr old wanted a juicer. — Teri J.
8 yr old asked for a reptile she could put around her neck to creek her Dad out. — Carrie W.
This year my eight year old wants sticky tack… why? — Laci R.
