Please Don’t Call Her Lucky: Things Not To Say To A Foster Parent

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Montana is facing a foster care crisis. As of December, 2,600 Montana children were in foster care because they had been abused, neglected, or abandoned by their families. At 406 Families, we are spending the summer learning more about foster care through our contributor Abby Riley. Learn more about Abby here and read more of her writing about foster care here.

One of our foster placements was a medically complex baby girl. Especially during her first few months in our home, we spent a lot of time in various doctors and specialists offices. One particular day, we had several appointments throughout the day at the hospital. 

While I was there with her, we got a handful of comments and questions from various members of her medical team:

“Do you get to keep her?”

“Oh my gosh, she’s sooooo cute. I don’t think I’d be able to give her back!”

“Wow, I don’t know how you do it. I don’t think I could hand over a baby to those people…”

“What a lucky baby!” (We got this one multiple times)

I truly believe all of these people were well meaning with their comments. But let me say this: if you encounter a foster parent when you’re out and about or at your place of employment, please don’t ask about the details of the child’s case, don’t say you could never do it because you’d get so attached, and please, please don’t say the baby or child is lucky.

“Do you get to keep her?” We can’t share the details of our child’s case, and even if we could, it would be completely inappropriate to do so with a stranger. Also, the entire point of foster care is reunification. Foster care is not an adoption agency. Yes, sometimes children need permanency. But “giving them back” is the goal until it’s not.

“Oh my gosh, she’s sooooo cute. I don’t think I’d be able to give her back!” We get “too attached” and we know how hard it’ll be to say goodbye. And we chose to say yes anyway. We aren’t special people who don’t have a hard time falling in love with a child knowing they could leave at any moment. We are just regular people who chose to meet a need despite the potential heartbreak we’re welcoming into our lives. 

“Wow, I don’t know how you do it. I don’t think I could hand over a baby to those people…” What does “those people” even mean? Our child’s parents are human beings, worthy of love and respect. Talking down about them, especially in front of our child, is judgmental and inappropriate.

“What a lucky baby!” No child is ”lucky” to be in foster care. I know this comment is well intended and the heart behind it is good. I am incredibly thankful to be able to provide safety and security for children in their times of need. But not a single one is lucky to be in my home - they are here because they’ve experienced deep loss, heartbreak, and trauma. 

If anyone is lucky, it’s me. To get to step into their stories and provide safety. To have the chance to love them and attach deeply to them. To open my heart and my home. But you will never, ever hear me call any of the children in my care “lucky” to be here.