It Could Have Been Me: How Circumstance and Privilege Have Impacted My Motherhood
Guest Contributor: Abby Riley
A while back in our foster parenting journey, we took emergency placement of a sibling set of three little girls. In the first twenty-four hours that they were in our home, I had so many offers for errands to be run, meals to be dropped off, clothes to be donated or purchased, etc. I am incredibly thankful for our village. Foster parents absolutely need support, especially during the overwhelm and chaos of a brand-new placement.
But something I kept thinking about during that placement was - their mama was overwhelmed. She was in chaos. Did anyone offer to bring her dinner? Did anyone offer to drop groceries off for her? Did anyone offer to help clothe her little girls in warm winter coats and boots?
I’m not suggesting that those things would have prevented the removal of her girls, but it saddens me to see how much support I have, as a mama with a wealth of resources and a safe and stable home, and then to think about the mama those girls came from, who does not have a wealth of resources or a safe and stable home and who likely wasn’t receiving an outpouring of support during the days of crisis leading up to removal.
That experience deeply impacted me, and really got me thinking about how easy it would be for me to be on the other side of this foster care relationship. Today, I am the foster mama. I have someone else’s children in my home. My house is full of kids, it is chaotic and loud. Hers is empty, it is still and quiet.
And the most important thing about that is that I am not on this side of the relationship because I’m some amazing person who has it all together. I have to acknowledge the circumstances and immense privilege that allow me to be in the place of providing safety rather than in the place of needing someone else to provide that safety for a time.
After the births of both of my biological children, I struggled intensely with postpartum depression and anxiety. It was incredibly challenging, and yet - our little family made it through those experiences intact. With the support of my husband, our families, and our larger community, I was able to seek help and keep my children safe simultaneously.
Without the support, the community, the safety net that I have, things could have turned out so very differently. I cannot imagine navigating that season of my life without safety and stability and support. I can see very clearly how easy it would have been for me to reach a place of not being able to provide safety for my babies had my life circumstances been different. Navigating things like poverty, mental illness, addiction, homelessness, generational trauma - while trying to learn how to be a mom? The idea of that sounds overwhelming and impossibly difficult.
Mothering (and fathering!) is beautiful, important work. And it is so very hard. Rather than judging the biological families of my foster children, it is crucial that I approach them with empathy and compassion and understanding. I must have a posture of humility, acknowledging and remembering that I could so easily be on the other side. When I can maintain that perspective, then I can really do the important work of loving the entire family well - not just the children I have in my care.
